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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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Make some noise for Kenny Sebastian.

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Oh my God.

5
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Thank you so much Mumbai.
Thank you.

6
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Thank you.

7
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Really.

8
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How are you guys doing?

9
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,960
Oh shit.
Let's do this.

10
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:51,800
Come on guys.

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It's the Royal Opera House, guys.

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The Royal Opera House.

13
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Yeah, it's a big deal.

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I know none of you know
the history but it's a big deal.

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I took bath twice for this.

16
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Is that even possible?
Apparently it is.

17
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Yes.

18
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The Royal Opera House, the great deal

19
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and it's a big occasion
because I've just turned 26.

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Yeah.

21
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,000
I have.

22
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I don't know why
people cheer for that.

23
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Because they're like,
"Hey, he's going to die soon.

24
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Yaay!"

25
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,480
Yea, I am going to die soon.

26
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,640
Yes, it's crazy.

27
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:23,600
Like 26...

28
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,040
You won't believe it, I was 19 once.

29
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,240
It's nice, like at 26.

30
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You know, it's kind of difficult.
I don't dance as much.

31
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You know.

32
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,400
At 19, I used to dance the best.

33
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Because at 19 you don't
care about anyone else.

34
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That's the best way to dance.

35
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Dance like no one's watching

36
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applies for women
who are great at dancing.

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Men should stop.

38
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Please.

39
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Because for men, anything
which is not standing is dancing.

40
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It's not a good enough bar, okay.

41
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I'm like, "Bro, there is music.
Dance, no."

42
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"Bro, I'm dancing."

43
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That's not dancing guys.

44
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It is just so painful to watch.

45
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But at 19 when you go to a club,
it's great.

46
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You're already having fun

47
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because you're already high.

48
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Yeah, right?

49
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Because at 19 when you go out,
one guy will have a great plan,

50
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"Bro, why are we spending
400 bucks on drinks in the club?

51
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When we can drink on the way, bro."

52
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What do you want to drink?

53
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,360
"Whatever gets me high fast."

54
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It's the best.

55
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You are just like neat,
neat, neat, neat.

56
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It's awesome.

57
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,120
At 26 you have preferences.

58
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"Can I have a Jack and
Coke but diet Coke, please.

59
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Oh they don't have diet Coke.

60
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What kind of a barbaric place is this?

61
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,200
I can't have Jack with...

62
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Wine for me."

63
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At 19 it's great.

64
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And by any chance
if you're still not high

65
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you're like, "Bro! Shots!?"

66
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:09,240
"Sir, what kind of shots?"

67
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"Uh, shots!?"

68
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"Sir, how many shots?"

69
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:14,600
"Uh, shot-shots!?"

70
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"Can you stop shouting, sir?
Can you please stop shouting?"

71
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You don't care and
at 19 there's no like,

72
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"Shots? What is this? Petroleum? Yeah!"

73
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It's the best.

74
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Petroleum shots.

75
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It's bad for the environment,
good for the dancing.

76
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It's awesome.

77
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You just dance like the club is yours.

78
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You're like, "Whoo!
Yeah, my friends and me.

79
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It's our night."

80
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At 26 you're like, "Ssh!

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00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,080
We are the loudest table here, guys."

82
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:42,680
But at 19 you don't care.

83
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At 19 you're there with your friends.

84
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It's your night, it's about you.

85
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At 19 I never felt cold...

86
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because my ego kept me warm.

87
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It's so nice.

88
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When you grow older you become
open minded so you lose heat.

89
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"Give me a neck warmer."

90
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I read a book today.

91
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You know so...

92
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At 19, you enter the club like, "Whoo!

93
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Let's make a circle guys!

94
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:08,640
Yeah!

95
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,280
Let's make a circle.

96
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,720
It's such an awesomely
unique idea, bro!"

97
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,960
Other guy's like, "Bro, how do you
even come up with these awesome ideas?

98
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,320
Do you have a book or something?"

99
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,760
"Yeah bro, it's my brain.

100
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,680
Okay guys,
let's all together do the leg thing.

101
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:28,840
The leg thing.

102
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,480
Guys, are we forgetting something?

103
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Bollywood.

104
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,280
Arjun, get it right Arjun."

105
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,200
"I'm not getting the rhythm."

106
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,160
"Arjun, get it right!
We practised this bro."

107
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,720
"Arjun, it's fine.
Now we're going to do a new thing.

108
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,360
Centre solo dance!

109
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,280
Go to the centre. Go to the centre."

110
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,200
"Bro, why are you making
so many rules dude?"

111
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,360
"Have a shot, bro!"

112
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,080
It's awesome.

113
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:04,600
It's nice.

114
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,080
At 26, you dance though.

115
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,160
I dance once in awhile.

116
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Like, go to the club.
I'm like, "Hey! Nice beats.

117
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,520
I'll go shake a bit."

118
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,400
And then I remember I
have to pay rent, then I stop.

119
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Deduct it from my soul.

120
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Yeah so!

121
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,920
There are certain advantages though.

122
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At 26 you can say
no very confidently...

123
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,280
to your friends.

124
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Because at 19 you were saying no
to your parents like left and right.

125
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It's very ironic,
at 19 the only two people

126
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who give a shit about
you genuinely are your parents.

127
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But you hate them!

128
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Because they care about you and shit.

129
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,000
It's damn annoying, right.

130
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,320
Why do they care about you so much?

131
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,480
At 19, you used to go for a party,

132
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,960
they'll be like,
"At least eat something..."

133
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,760
"Mom, why do you care
about my nutrition so much?

134
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Oh my God.

135
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,720
Shit, mom.
I'm late for my party.

136
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Mom!

137
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,840
Why do we have
so many doors in our house?

138
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,240
I hate you, mom.

139
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,200
Is that Hogwarts?

140
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,720
I'm not a wizard, I want to be a DJ.

141
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,280
You never let me
follow my dream, mom."

142
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:16,360
Yeah!

143
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,720
But there are certain things
that I've gotten over at 26.

144
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:22,360
Like...

145
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:23,280
You know, I'm not...

146
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,600
I don't have
stage fright anymore.

147
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,000
It's my job.

148
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:26,880
So...

149
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,040
I can't come on stage and be like,
"No, no! I can't today."

150
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,000
I can't do that.

151
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,160
It'll be a bad show.

152
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,640
But I still feel shy though.

153
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,360
When I'm around really pretty women.

154
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,480
You know...

155
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,560
Yeah, I feel all awkward and shit.

156
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,800
I mean I don't want that
reaction or anything. I don't know.

157
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,640
Don't worry, I'm not feeling shy today.
So it's fine.

158
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:50,840
Oh!

159
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,840
Did he just say that?

160
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,280
Did he just?
Did a comedian just make a joke?

161
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,120
All the guys are like, "Brutal bro!"

162
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,600
All the women are like,
"Really? Freaking asshole.

163
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,840
Have you even seen me?

164
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,000
Have you even seen me?

165
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,880
What is this shit lighting?
Give me bathroom lights.

166
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,160
I'll show you, you son of a bitch.

167
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:10,880
How dare you say that?

168
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,640
How dare you say that, Kenny?

169
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:13,520
Wow!

170
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,640
We're not pretty enough for him?

171
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,280
You know how much
shit I put on my face?

172
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,440
My mother doesn't
recognise me now, yeah!

173
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:24,040
I put some eye liner, some mascara, I
put eyelashes to the sun roof, bitch.

174
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,440
How dare you say that?

175
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,800
I'm not pretty enough it seems.

176
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,880
I put like eye shadow from
light to dark, dark to light,

177
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,040
four dimensional eye shadow.
You son of a bitch.

178
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,120
I met my grandfather.

179
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:34,760
He's doing well.

180
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,560
I straightened my hair
and I lost four of my fingers.

181
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,680
But I'll still climb the Himalayas,
you son of a bitch."

182
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,440
It's just a joke.

183
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,240
I don't need that.

184
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:49,840
I don't need that.

185
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:50,720
It's just a joke.

186
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,840
Because women,
they re-invent themselves.

187
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,880
Whenever they go anywhere, it's like
how can I be better for this new venue?

188
00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:58,840
This new place.

189
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,000
You enter a bathroom,
a new person comes out.

190
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,480
I'm like, "Excuse me,
have you seen my friend Tina?

191
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,640
Oh you're Tina. Shit!

192
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:06,080
Oh!

193
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,440
Okay!"

194
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:10,800
Awesome.

195
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:11,640
It's crazy.

196
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,160
Guys when they go inside the bathroom,

197
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,160
first question is do I
really need to wash my hands?

198
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:18,080
Do I?

199
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,120
And second is why am
I even wearing clothes, bro?

200
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,400
Because guys as they get older,
they just want to get naked.

201
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,600
Look at your dad at home.

202
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,360
Your dad hates wearing clothes.

203
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,160
Yeah!

204
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,200
He just hates wearing clothes.

205
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,880
When guests come home, your mom is
like, "What impression will we make?"

206
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,600
Your dad is like,
"I have to wear clothes now?

207
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,200
No!"

208
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,640
No!"

209
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,680
It's like you got
a bear from the wild.

210
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,520
And you are teaching him
how to live in civilisation.

211
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,480
It's crazy, I know.

212
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,280
That is the true
evolutionary stage of men.

213
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,600
They dance and they get naked.

214
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,440
So I feel shy around women.

215
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,320
You know there are really
pretty intimidating women, right.

216
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,160
You guys know what I'm talking about.

217
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,320
Oh so, everyone's a player.

218
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:10,960
Okay.

219
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,160
I'm sorry guys.

220
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,960
I'm sorry for looking stupid.

221
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,760
All the guys are like,
"Bro, what you're talking about?

222
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,320
What is this shy shit?

223
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,800
Shy? Bro that's not in my dictionary.

224
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,880
I'm so hot,
when I step out on the road,

225
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,280
a truck full of women
come and I'm like,

226
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,080
No, thanks and I moonwalk home.
Yeah!

227
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,040
That's how cool I am, Kenny.

228
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,440
Shy?

229
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,640
I'm not shy.

230
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,560
Yeah?"

231
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,120
That's why I hate asking
for opinions from guys in a group.

232
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,160
Guys are amazing people one on one.

233
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,600
They are amazing people.

234
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,680
Have conversations
with them one on one.

235
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,880
The moment you put them in a group,
they'll be like...

236
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,400
Just.

237
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,840
They are the worst people.

238
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,280
Like women who are dating guys,
you know what I am talking about.

239
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,680
Your boyfriend one on one with you,
is super emotional.

240
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,320
They'll be like, "Baby, I just wanna
say you mean the world to me, baby."

241
00:09:58,520 --> 00:09:59,560
Can you hold my hand
while I talk to you?

242
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:00,560
Can you hold my hand?

243
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,240
I just wanna say the past eight months
have become the best eight months.

244
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,840
Can you do that finger thing?
Can we do that finger thing?

245
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,680
I just wanna say that...

246
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:07,880
My friends...

247
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,840
Like me and Gopal have been
friends for like eight years.

248
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,120
But your eight months
feel like a life time baby.

249
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,640
It is not even the physical thing,
it's just the cuddling.

250
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:16,680
You know you make me...

251
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:17,600
You make me feel warm.

252
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:18,520
You know?

253
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,480
Like you know me better
than my parents too, you know.

254
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,560
I can tell you stories that
I can't tell anybody.

255
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,160
Baby, just...

256
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,360
You're my princess, I'm
your prince, I just want to say that.

257
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,120
I just want to say that."

258
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,760
And suddenly, his guy friends come like,
"Bro, this Neha is being so clingy, bro!

259
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:33,720
Shit!

260
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,440
E-M-O, Emo!

261
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,160
Let's go and drink bro!

262
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,880
Bro there are so many
doors in this house, man.

263
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,240
Hogwarts?

264
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,800
Can we party? No!

265
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:44,920
Shit. No DJ.

266
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,600
It just sucks.

267
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:48,760
Sucks man."

268
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,560
That's why I hate asking guys

269
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,120
about any trip they have taken to Goa.

270
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,440
Goa is the number one
bullshit story manufacturer.

271
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,360
No one is going to
give you a truthful story.

272
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,360
Yes, can we have a
round of applause for that.

273
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,040
Yes.

274
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,160
Yes.

275
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,000
I am not even going
to go to Thailand, okay.

276
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,440
Those stories, Jesus.

277
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,040
They should be published as novels.

278
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,160
Guys just bullshit...

279
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,000
I'm like, "Hey man!
You went for a trip somewhere right?"

280
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,520
He's like, "Yeah, man."

281
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:22,160
"Where did you go?"

282
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,480
"Goa."
- "Okay, I don't want to know. It's fine."

283
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,920
"Hey bro, listen bro!

284
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:28,520
Bro listen, no.

285
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,000
Let me tell you a story, bro.

286
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:31,840
Something happened, dude."

287
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,320
And now you are too interested.
"Okay bro, what happened tell me."

288
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:36,920
"No, you don't know."

289
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:37,960
"Okay, tell me."

290
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,640
"So I am sitting in the shack.

291
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,360
It's a beach, right.
I'm sitting in the shack, bro.

292
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,920
Looking at the beach, bro.

293
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:46,520
Having noodles, bro.

294
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,000
Cuz I'm a chill kinda guy, bro.

295
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,680
Just eating my noodles.

296
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,040
Having a beer,
cuz I'm a chill kinda guy.

297
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,400
Suddenly Kenny, I see these
two girls in front of my table.

298
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,080
They're looking at me, dude.

299
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,280
They're looking at me, dude.

300
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,360
They're still looking at me, dude.

301
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,520
Two Russian chicks, bro.

302
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:20,960
Two Russian..."

303
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,640
"Okay wait. Two Russian chicks.

304
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,120
You're sitting in a shack,
having noodles.

305
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,080
Which is obviously the
most attractive thing you can do.

306
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,200
And two Russian women
are staring at you?"

307
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,520
"Yeah, bro.

308
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:35,880
Listen.

309
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,280
Anyway, I'm sitting and eating
noodles cuz I'm a chill kinda guy.

310
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:42,720
Just eating.

311
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,040
Suddenly they get up, bro.

312
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:47,920
They come towards me and they're like,

313
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,160
Excuse me, but you're really cute."

314
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:58,760
"Of course.

315
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,080
Two Russian women get up.

316
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,440
Come to you and say excuse me,
but you're cute."

317
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:08,960
"Yea, bro. Let me tell, no.

318
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,120
She's like hey do
you want to go to a club?

319
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,720
We could dance.

320
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,760
Why should I be rude?

321
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,280
I got up, paid the bill...

322
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,960
Tipped also and then...

323
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:23,880
We went to a club.

324
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,880
So these three Russian
women are just grinding..."

325
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:26,960
"Wait, you said two Russian women."

326
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,480
"Bro, can you listen to the story bro.

327
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,160
Can you listen to the story, bro?"

328
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,080
"Yes. Then what happened?"

329
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,120
"So these five Russian
women are just grinding on me."

330
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,560
"Please continue."

331
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,560
"So these 1400 women are
just like surrounding me..."

332
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,040
I'm like, "Okay! Enough.

333
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:51,600
Enough...

334
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,080
of this bullshit!"

335
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,520
So when I say the word shyness,

336
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,360
women think I'm talking
about this emotion.

337
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,920
No, no! That's what kids feel.

338
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,160
Guys stop feeling that
emotion after fifth standard

339
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,960
when we discovered something amazing.

340
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,640
Yeah!

341
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,880
So, what happens
is after fifth standard,

342
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,040
that shyness,
it evolves into like a new emotion.

343
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,240
It becomes hyper awareness.

344
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,200
This amazing term is coined by me.

345
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,080
Basically what happens is when a guy,

346
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:32,240
an adult male is in a room and an
amazingly stunning woman enters the room.

347
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,000
His brain is like...

348
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,680
*Siren wailing*

349
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,520
But he acts calm, he's like, "What?

350
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:37,720
It's all cool."

351
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,400
But what he's doing is,
he is scanning the entire room in 3D.

352
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,760
Like the moment she enters, he
knows exactly where she is standing.

353
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,520
And then guys come up with
this hypothetical situation.

354
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,040
They're like, "What if...

355
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,840
What if...

356
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,240
She doesn't know me.

357
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,000
She doesn't know how amazing I am.

358
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,720
What if...

359
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,200
She bumps into me. What's
the sexiest thing you can do, Kenny?"

360
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:01,800
She’d be like, "Hey what's the time?"

361
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,680
"The time?

362
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,040
The time is 10:10 pm baby."

363
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,320
Okay let's try that again.

364
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,360
She bumps into you,
sexiest thing you can do.

365
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,640
"Excuse me."
- "Excuse you."

366
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,520
This happens 4000 times in one second.

367
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,960
So recently I had to do a photoshoot.

368
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:41,280
Okay.

369
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,080
I'm like great, I like photoshoots.

370
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:44,000
But then the director's like,

371
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,920
"Hey, a supermodel is going to be
shooting with you."

372
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,120
I'm like, "No! No!"

373
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,160
What? Why would he do that?

374
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,040
Because then I have to
be the best version of myself.

375
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,840
Which is fake because
human instinct is,

376
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,520
the moment you meet someone
better than you, you're like,

377
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:00,720
"Let me not be myself.

378
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,440
I always put my hand
in my life pocket.

379
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,800
This is my hand, yes this is..."

380
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,920
You become hyper aware,
you take a bath twice.

381
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:10,920
You comb your hair.

382
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,840
When you laugh, nervously
spit comes out and you apologise.

383
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,360
"Oh shit! No, no!

384
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:17,880
That's not my spit.

385
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,600
Usually my laughs are very dry."

386
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,240
You just...

387
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,800
I don't know what
happens to your body.

388
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:28,640
You just...

389
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,080
The body just freezes up.

390
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,320
So she was going to
come for the photoshoot.

391
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,080
So I'm waiting in the photo studio.

392
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,960
And there are four light guys with me.

393
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,640
I'm like,
"Come on, you can do this Kenny.

394
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:40,480
You can do this."

395
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,440
And then suddenly
I hear her footsteps.

396
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:43,800
She reaches the door.

397
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,320
As she reaches the door...

398
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,600
the door melted.

399
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,320
Because the door was like,
"I don't want to be an obstacle."

400
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,360
It just fell.

401
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,680
It couldn't take it.

402
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:55,800
"I'll be a floor now."

403
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,440
It just fell.

404
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,480
And as she entered, the light
guys who were with me for 45 minutes,

405
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,320
who didn't give a
shit about my presence.

406
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,720
The moment she walks in, they turned
all the lights toward her like...

407
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,440
It's a small light.

408
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:18,680
It's a small light.

409
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,320
She is shining bright.

410
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,680
She is super bright.

411
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,080
As she is walking towards...

412
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:26,680
there was a guy next to the door who
had asthma and he was like, coughing.

413
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,880
The moment she passed him,
he was cured and he was doing asanas

414
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:29,800
*Ancient Breathing exercises*

415
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,880
I'm like, what?

416
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,880
As she is walking closer, there was a guy
with leprosy who was struggling to walk.

417
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,440
She bumps into him and he gets
cured and he starts doing squats.

418
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,520
He won bronze for the Indian Olympics.

419
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:48,840
What is happening?

420
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:50,760
She is walking towards me.

421
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:51,960
This symbol of perfection.

422
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,240
Guys, by this time
my brain has fused twice.

423
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,640
My brain can't handle
such stunningness.

424
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:00,520
If that's even a word.

425
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,520
So I'm just standing there like...

426
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:15,720
♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫

427
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:21,920
♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫

428
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:26,840
♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫

429
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,320
Then she walks towards
me because she is so sweet.

430
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,800
She's like, "Oh hi.
You must be Kenny. Nice to meet you."

431
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,200
And I'm like,
"The time is 10:10 pm baby!"

432
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:47,760
I'm very tensed.

433
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,720
So then there was this one part of
the photoshoot, which really happened.

434
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,640
So the camera was there.

435
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,280
She is standing here,
facing the camera.

436
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,760
I'm standing behind her,
facing the camera.

437
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:58,720
It's a simple shot.

438
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,360
I'm like great,
I don't need to look at her.

439
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,400
That's great.

440
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,080
Director's like, "One, two, three..."

441
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,560
Click.
Then I heard another sound.

442
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,400
*fart noise*

443
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,720
Then the first wave hit me.

444
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,840
My brain refused to
believe that she did this.

445
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,080
I was like, "No!

446
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:36,600
No!

447
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:41,160
It can't be.
It must be the window.

448
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,360
There must be a
mass rat burial outside."

449
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,000
I said the first wave.

450
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,640
The second wave hit
me and this was not kind.

451
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,200
It was silent but powerful.

452
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,480
Like the great Tsunami.

453
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,760
Just hit me.

454
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,160
My soul came out.

455
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,000
It's some Doctor Strange shit.

456
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,160
Guys, my eyes started watering.

457
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,800
What shocked me was the
nonchalantness of this lady.

458
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,000
Because even I had farted
like five times by then.

459
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,440
But I am intelligent about it.

460
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,080
I'm like, "Hey! What's that window?"

461
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:30,920
*fart noise*

462
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:31,880
"Ah okay, cool.

463
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:32,320
Sweet.

464
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,560
Hey can I have the juice?

465
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,160
Sure."

466
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:34,520
*fart noise*

467
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:35,400
"Oh cool."

468
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:36,520
That's how you do it.

469
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,480
Yeah, that's how I was taught

470
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,280
by the great elders.

471
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,280
But this woman was just like...

472
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:45,920
*fart noise*

473
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,600
Civilisations destroyed.

474
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,120
I was like, respect bro.

475
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,240
After she did that,
I was like, "Hey you are like me only.

476
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,160
Come let's chill. Let's chill."

477
00:20:58,880 --> 00:20:59,680
That's great.

478
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,560
So guys, my dating advice is that

479
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,560
every time you're on
a date and you get intimidated

480
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,000
just feed her beans.

481
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,160
And you'll fart,
I mean live happily ever after.

482
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,400
But like as I said, I am 26.
I don't know if you guys know that.

483
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,760
It's not like I keep bringing it up.

484
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:15,960
And it's nice.

485
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,640
I have my own apartment now.

486
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,240
It's a nice apartment in Bandra.

487
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,680
And I share the apartment
with two other comedians.

488
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,840
So the sarcasm level is so high.

489
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,200
That when you enter
you get dehydrated.

490
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,920
It's just...
so dry.

491
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:29,960
So dry.

492
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,640
It gets very tough.

493
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,640
And the house is damn dirty.

494
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,120
But it is okay now.

495
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,840
It was a mess before but
now we have an angel in our lives.

496
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,680
Who makes everything better.

497
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,560
I'm obviously talking about the maid.

498
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,280
By the way the correct term is...

499
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:46,720
Not maid, it's sister.

500
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:47,720
[man from audience] Housekeeping.

501
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,720
Housekeeping? It's not a hotel.

502
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,040
"Hello! Housekeeping?"

503
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:52,960
"Hey, shut your face."

504
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:53,720
Oh sorry.

505
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,600
Housekeeping?

506
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,800
You stay in like South
Bombay or something.

507
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,440
What the hell is happening?

508
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,160
Are you the President's daughter?

509
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,600
So, didi comes home at 9:55 am.

510
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,800
This time was not decided by us.

511
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:15,920
It was decided by her.

512
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,200
Because like fools we
decided to challenge her.

513
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,920
I'm like,
"You know didi, 9:55 is too early.

514
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:23,600
Can you come at 10?"

515
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,000
"I have two little children
in my house for crying out loud."

516
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,160
"Oh, I am so sorry.

517
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:27,360
We'll come to your house.

518
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,000
Forget it.

519
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,000
It's cool.

520
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,040
We are moving, guys."

521
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,800
So my maid comes at 9:55 am.

522
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,120
And there is a correct way of
opening the door when the maid comes.

523
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,680
It's less than one
second of eye contact.

524
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,640
It's basically like this.

525
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:46,800
*Doorbell rings*

526
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:51,800
That's it.

527
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,480
Got to keep it casual.

528
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,120
If you do anything
less than one second,

529
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,720
it looks like you are pissed off
with her for no reason.

530
00:22:58,760 --> 00:22:59,520
*Doorbell rings*

531
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:02,400
Don't do that.

532
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,120
That's rude.

533
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,800
But if you do anything more than
one second, things get a little weird.

534
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:07,960
*Doorbell rings*

535
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,560
Don't do that.

536
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,560
Don't be that guy, don't be creepy.

537
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:42,960
So she comes home.

538
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,360
Certain times she doesn't come home.

539
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,240
Because she has a reason.

540
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,040
But usually it's a very emotional reason.

541
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,880
She'll be like, "I am not
coming to work for two days!"

542
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:56,440
Okay.

543
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:58,880
Why?

544
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,240
And it's usually death related.

545
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,920
Because they come from
such a hard background, right.

546
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,680
Like all their reasons
are like death related.

547
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,560
For us the worst reason
not to go to work is...

548
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,480
"Stomach is paining.

549
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,400
I put food in my mouth.

550
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,000
It's coming out now.

551
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,000
It's warm."

552
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:26,760
That's the worst reason.

553
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,960
We're like, "Why aren't
you coming to work for two days?"

554
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,280
"Someone straight
up died in my house."

555
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,800
"Who died in your house?"

556
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,760
"Don't know, some guy came over at
night and didn't wake up in the morning."

557
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:46,840
Okay.

558
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,360
Why are people coming
into your house and dying?

559
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:54,640
"I AM NOT COMING TO WORK."

560
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,200
It's fine.
Take three days off, it's fine.

561
00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,360
And we're cool with it because
we can't make out the emotional BS.

562
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,000
But our female friends can.

563
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:03,440
Because women have high EQ.

564
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,040
They can sense the emotional BS.

565
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,000
Bullshit.

566
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,880
When our female friends
come home and they get pissed.

567
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:14,560
They'll come home and be like,

568
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:16,880
"Kenny, where is the maid?

569
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,160
Where is the maid?"

570
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,640
"Oh, she took three days off."

571
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,000
"Oh yeah. Why may I ask?"

572
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,960
"Oh, actually someone
passed away in her house."

573
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,040
"Oh, last week also two people died.

574
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:34,800
Diwali festival also
ten people will die or what?"

575
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,160
I'm like, "Woah! Calm down."

576
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,240
The worst culprit of this is my mom.

577
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,440
My mom is the sweetest, warmest,

578
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,560
cuddliest panda there is.

579
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,160
Super warm and caring.

580
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:46,440
She is actually a panda.

581
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,200
We stole her from China.

582
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,400
So please don't tell anybody.

583
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,040
She's endangered so
they might take her away.

584
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,720
I'm half panda by the way.

585
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,560
Yeah, I find it very difficult
to get up in the morning.

586
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,560
So my mom is super sweet and caring.

587
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,120
Except when the maid comes.

588
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,080
When the maid comes home,
my mom turns into a gangster.

589
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:07,240
From the ghetto.

590
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,600
She is like the Godfather's Godmother.

591
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,600
No seriously, it gets very like...

592
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,280
We'll be at home chilling,
my mom is being very sweet

593
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,560
and suddenly the maid
comes home and the bell rings.

594
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,680
*Doorbell rings*

595
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,360
And she turns into a gangster, guys.

596
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,440
She goes to the middle
of the room and she's like...

597
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,720
My maid comes and she's full scared.

598
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:37,360
She's like, "Oh no!"

599
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,200
And my maid's also a gangster.

600
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,080
She's also damn badass.

601
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,760
Like if you put a gun in front of her,
she'll be like, "Get out of here."

602
00:26:58,800 --> 00:26:59,920
We have tried.

603
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:02,360
But she is scared of my mom.

604
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,480
My maid, like she doesn't
even want much from my mom.

605
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:05,880
She doesn't even want the salary.

606
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,200
All she wants is eye contact.

607
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,560
Because if you get eye
contact from my mom as a maid,

608
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,680
that's the highest form of honour.

609
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,560
It's like knighthood.

610
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,520
So my maid, poor thing, she
does the whole mopping of the house.

611
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,720
She's goes to my mom like,
"Aunty, so I did the floor.

612
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:23,760
It's all clean.

613
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:24,880
It's all clean."

614
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,080
And my mom is like...

615
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,760
*beatboxes*

616
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,160
"Who's going to do the dishes, bitch?"

617
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,760
*beatboxes*

618
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,960
And my maid's like,
"Shit, I forgot the the dishes."

619
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,920
She runs to the kitchen,
she does the dishes.

620
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,520
She takes two metals,
combines them and makes a new alloy.

621
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,840
Just to impress my mom.

622
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,040
She makes a new dish.

623
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,040
She cleans the window because
the windows are genuinely dirty.

624
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,480
And then she goes,
cleans the neighbour's house.

625
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,840
Then she starts an NGO for maids...

626
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:56,920
named after my mother.

627
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,440
The Mrs. Sebastian foundation.

628
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,080
And she goes back to my mom and like,
"Okay. Did the dishes, did the window.

629
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:04,200
Did the neighbour's house, NGO.

630
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,200
Also, we solved string theory.

631
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,160
Because we forgot that
the light behaves like a wave

632
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,440
and entropy we didn't even calculate."

633
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:14,080
Then mom's like...

634
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:19,320
*beatboxes*

635
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:21,920
"Who's going to make rotis, bitch?"

636
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,920
And I'm behind her,
like a Hype-Man...

637
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,040
"Go mama, it's your birthday.

638
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,280
We're gonna party
like it's your birthday."

639
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,320
*beatboxes*

640
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:30,680
It's crazy.

641
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,600
It's crazy in my house.

642
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,360
Because I didn't know
my mom could beatbox.

643
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:39,560
I didn't.

644
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,800
She's amazing at it.

645
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:42,240
So I am encouraging her talents.

646
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,560
I'm pushing her to college fests.

647
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,480
Yeah, so you if see sick-beat-panda,
that's my mom.

648
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,680
*beatboxes*

649
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:51,560
Kenny is my son,

650
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:52,560
he is lame,

651
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,360
I'm a sick panda
I'm changing the game.

652
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,160
It's crazy.

653
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:56,400
Yeah.

654
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:57,800
My mom just came up with that.

655
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,960
Feel like she shouldn't
call me lame though.

656
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:02,160
It's awesome.

657
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:03,680
But it gets very tense.

658
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:04,920
It gets very tense in my house.

659
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:06,680
When the holy trifacta happens.

660
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,360
Which is me, the maid and my mom.

661
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:11,280
It gets very tense.

662
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,000
It's like a mission impossible film.

663
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,040
Where only the mission matters.

664
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,240
Which is cleaning the goddamn house.

665
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,160
Everyone is just in the way man,

666
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,400
the sofa, the house,
the walls, oxygen.

667
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,640
She is just focused.

668
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,800
And then it's crazy like we're
at home and I'm chilling at home.

669
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:30,600
I am chilling at home.

670
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,160
My mom catches me.

671
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:34,120
"Kenny, what are you doing?"

672
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:40,120
"Mom, I live here?"

673
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:43,640
"What are you doing in this room?"

674
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:48,840
"Existing?"

675
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:51,680
"Don't act smart with me, Kenneth.

676
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:54,320
Where is the maid?"

677
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:56,080
"She is in the top floor."

678
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,920
"So why are you not with her?"

679
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,200
"I don't know, I just want
to be single for a while. So..."

680
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,080
"Why are you not
with her in the room?"

681
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,440
"Why would I be with her in the room?"

682
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,360
"What if she steals the TV?"

683
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,960
"She's been with us for 28 years, mom.

684
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,120
Why would she steal the TV?"

685
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,200
"I've heard stories though.
Go watch her clean."

686
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,480
Now I have to do this weird thing

687
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:41,600
where I enter the room
to evaluate my maid's work.

688
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:44,600
I have no purpose of being there.

689
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:46,320
So I am just walking like that.

690
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:47,800
My maid's like cleaning.

691
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:31,120
"Get out of here."

692
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,680
Seema gets very aggressive,
I mean didi gets very aggressive.

693
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,960
Recently, I don't know if
you guys know this, I turned 26.

694
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:43,920
I don't know if I brought it up.

695
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:46,560
And I've grown guys.

696
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:47,200
I've grown.

697
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:48,800
I am a former nice guy.

698
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,360
Yeah.

699
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,160
I'm sorry, I hate to say this.

700
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,080
I used to be a nice guy

701
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,920
but then I just realised,
no point because

702
00:31:57,960 --> 00:31:59,600
for some reason people told me that,

703
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,520
"Hey! Respect people
if you want to be respected."

704
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:04,960
Some shit like that.

705
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,000
Some mumbo-jumbo guys.
Don't do that.

706
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:08,560
Just think about yourself.

707
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:11,360
The 19 year old thing is the best.

708
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,880
Niceness is not rewarded at all.

709
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,360
Niceness is not rewarded.

710
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,480
I'll give you an example.

711
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,320
When I go to a store, I'm like,
"Sir, this sim card is not working.

712
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,480
And he's like, "Oh!
I just noticed you're a nice person.

713
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:22,720
Let me ignore you
for the next one hour."

714
00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,520
Suddenly an asshole walks in,
"WHAT SHITTY PHONE!"

715
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:27,440
"Sir, please stand here.

716
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:29,440
Please stand in the front of the line.

717
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:30,920
Yeah.

718
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,960
Let me give you the
attention you don't deserve."

719
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,000
Niceness is not rewarded.

720
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,440
In college, who was the
professor you respected the most?

721
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:41,840
The strict one or the nice one?

722
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,080
The strict one because
they take your case, man.

723
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:45,720
The nice teacher will be like,

724
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,400
"Okay students,
when you learn, I learn."

725
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,000
And you're like,
"This guy is weak, bro.

726
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:53,600
He's soft.

727
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,000
Okay, Monday we'll mass bunk.
Let's watch him cry.

728
00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,440
It'll be awesome."

729
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:01,520
Niceness is not rewarded.

730
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:03,080
I have a proposal.

731
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:04,520
I have a proposal.

732
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,680
We need to take the
last remaining nice guys

733
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,440
and we have to put them
somewhere to protect them.

734
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,440
We have to protect them because
nice people can't protect themselves.

735
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,760
If nice people protect themselves,
they become rude.

736
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:16,440
If they are rude ,
they are not nice anymore.

737
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,120
Shit, I figured this out.

738
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:20,560
So what do we do?

739
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,080
We have to build a dam.

740
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:25,320
Build a nice dam,
put all of them inside.

741
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:26,920
Call it damn nice.

742
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,840
Just put all of them inside that.

743
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,800
Let's protect them and only release
them when it's really important.

744
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,000
Don't worry, like no one will get out.

745
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,240
Because they'll be like,
"How can we leave without saying bye?"

746
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:40,880
So no one will leave.

747
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,440
Everyone will stay inside,
protected forever.

748
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,360
And we can all be outside and be mean,
"Hey dickhead!"

749
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:47,160
Just do all that.

750
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:48,800
It won't affect them.

751
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:49,800
They'll be protected.

752
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:56,800
It breaks my heart because
recently I met the nicest guy ever.

753
00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:58,760
He was my Uber driver.

754
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,560
Nicest Uber driver on the planet.

755
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,000
I knew he was nice because
this is how he answered the phone.

756
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:03,920
"Hello!"

757
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,080
Like his voice was so nice.

758
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,160
That the sound waves that
came out of his mouth apologised

759
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:12,760
to air for using it as a medium.

760
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:15,240
Yeah.

761
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,760
His sound waves were like,
"Sorry!

762
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,040
Am I taking up air molecules?

763
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:25,600
I just have to propagate, I'm sorry.

764
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,840
Cosmic rays?
Bye, okay.

765
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:29,840
Gamma say hi.
Okay.

766
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:31,480
If I'm troubling you,

767
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,760
I'll just reflect off
the wall and go into the universe.

768
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:34,920
It's fine.
I won't come back.

769
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:35,960
Bye!"

770
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:37,880
That's how nice he was.

771
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:39,160
I'm like, "Sir, where are you?"

772
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:40,320
He's like...

773
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,400
"You know what?
I'll come to where you are."

774
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:48,040
So I went to where he was.

775
00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:50,600
I sat inside his car,
he starts doing this.

776
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,120
He looks at me and he's like.

777
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:54,720
He starts pulling his chair forward.

778
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:05,680
"Customer satisfaction is number one."

779
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,400
If it was up to him, he would've sat
on the windshield and driven like this.

780
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:13,280
He's too nice.

781
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:14,720
Broke my heart.

782
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:16,720
We're driving and it's
a fifteen minute journey.

783
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:17,520
Okay.

784
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,000
And here's the thing.

785
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,280
Nice people can't ignore phone calls.

786
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:22,040
Okay.

787
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,680
They can't ignore
your phone ringing also.

788
00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:26,960
So I am sitting in the cab.

789
00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:28,760
And I'm like let me start
a conversation with this guy.

790
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:29,960
I'm like, "Hey! What's your name?"

791
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,480
"Sir! Gopal, sir."

792
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:33,920
Because he thought
if he looks at the mirror,

793
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,240
the mirror will reflect
to my eyes and it might burn me.

794
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:38,440
So he looks down.

795
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:39,840
"Yes sir. My name is Gopal."

796
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:41,840
I'm like,
"So, how did you get into this?"

797
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,440
"It's my sister's wedding.
So I had to make some money

798
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,480
and nicely it went.
My sister's wedding."

799
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:47,080
I'm like, "So nice."

800
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,160
And my phone starts ringing.

801
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:49,000
*Phone ringing*

802
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:50,000
And Gopal is like...

803
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:53,640
*Phone ringing*

804
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:55,760
"Gopal, you were telling
me about your sister."

805
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:56,960
"No sir, your phone's ringing."

806
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:57,720
*Phone ringing*

807
00:35:58,640 --> 00:35:59,960
"Gopal, it's fine. Just talk to me."

808
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:00,600
*Phone ringing*

809
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:01,880
"What if it's important, sir?"

810
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,680
"Gopal, we are talking.
That's important."

811
00:36:04,720 --> 00:36:05,480
*Phone ringing*

812
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:07,480
"There are only three rings left.
I counted."

813
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:11,800
"It's okay, Gopal."

814
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,120
"What if someone's dying, sir?"

815
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,840
*Phone ringing*

816
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:22,560
I'm like, "Gopal. If someone was dying
and the last person they call is me.

817
00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:25,360
They deserve to die."

818
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,800
What is so important that
as they are dying they're like,

819
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:33,760
"Bro! Can you just tell me
that middle class restaurant joke..."

820
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,120
It's a self referential joke.

821
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,840
As he was driving, his phone rings.

822
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:53,280
Because Uber has this new thing
where right before you end your trip,

823
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:54,640
the next customer can call you

824
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,360
because there isn't enough
pressure in life already, right.

825
00:36:58,520 --> 00:36:59,840
So as he is driving, his phone rings.

826
00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,480
Nice people can't ignore phone calls.

827
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,760
He immediately picks up the phone and
an auto-rickshaw hits us from the back.

828
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,000
It hits us from the back.

829
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,800
And Uber doesn't cover that cost.
It's his money, he has to cover it.

830
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:16,000
And this is how this man reacts
to an auto hitting his life savings.

831
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,920
I'm like at least get angry, bro.

832
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:24,680
You deserve that emotion.

833
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:26,240
Then he turns to me and he's like,

834
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,000
"Sir, an auto hit us sir.
So I have to go out."

835
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:30,720
I'm like,
"Thank you for keeping me in loop...

836
00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:32,440
of a situation I am already part of.

837
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:34,680
So sweet you are.

838
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:36,480
I know, go out."

839
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:39,040
"Sir, if you don't mind
I'll go outside and handle it."

840
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,160
"You will handle it?

841
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:45,320
You will handle it?

842
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,200
You nice person."

843
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,640
Nice people can't get
into traffic arguments.

844
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,320
You can't because when you
could get into traffic arguments,

845
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:55,080
you have to channel
your inner demon like...

846
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,960
Like the minimum decibel level
to take part in the traffic argu-

847
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:01,840
"HEY MOTHERF-"

848
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:04,960
That's the minimum decibel I know.

849
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:09,160
That's how you say hi.

850
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:10,760
Is just like...

851
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:12,480
good evening.

852
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:16,760
So this guy was going to handle this.

853
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:21,280
He opens the door, he gets out.
I'm not kidding, this is true.

854
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,520
The moment he steps out,
it starts raining.

855
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:26,640
Because the universe is like,

856
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,280
"Hmm! How can I make
this more depressing?

857
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:30,920
What filter should I put?

858
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:34,640
Sepia? No.
Sepia is too cliché.

859
00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:37,520
Hmm, rain and despair?
Perfect.

860
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:40,000
Crop."

861
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:43,480
So, he enters...

862
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,160
It's raining,
he is arguing with the auto driver

863
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:46,920
and I don't know what's happening?

864
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:51,160
I'm sitting inside and then he enters
the car, he is completely drenched.

865
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:53,120
And he's like, "Sir, okay!
We can go now."

866
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:55,120
I'm like, I don't know what he did.

867
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:56,920
Maybe he sold his house.

868
00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:00,360
As a sign of apology
for just existing.

869
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,160
Then we were driving
and he is drenched, right.

870
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:05,200
So he starts shivering.

871
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:10,600
He turns to me and he's like.

872
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:16,080
"Sir, if you don't mind,
can I switch off the AC?"

873
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:25,480
My tears had tears.

874
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:37,440
It's so sad.

875
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,000
I got off the car, I opened his door.

876
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,080
Picked him up and put him in my arms.

877
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:47,120
Put him on his bed.

878
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:48,480
Put his bedsheet.

879
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:49,920
And I built a dam around him.

880
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:52,560
First customer, guys.
First customer.

881
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:54,480
Thank you.

882
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:55,720
Can I play some music for you guys?

883
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:02,400
Can you guys keep clapping till
I get the guitar on stage?

884
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:31,840
Hey guys.

885
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,240
I have a guitar.

886
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,360
And I have to talk in this sexy voice.

887
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:40,840
I can't be like,

888
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:44,240
"Hello, today I will sing song
for everybody, for the faculty members

889
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:46,600
and the judges."

890
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:50,000
You got to be like, "Hey!

891
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:51,600
It's going to be alright.

892
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:53,480
Because I have a guitar."

893
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,040
You could just sing anything,
it doesn't matter.

894
00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:00,440
♫ I have a guitar ♫

895
00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,840
♫ It's right next to me ♫

896
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:09,400
♫ Right next to me ♫

897
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,520
♫ I have a guitar ♫

898
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:16,320
♫ That's how it works ♫

899
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,560
♫ Because technically, ♫

900
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,920
♫ without it it's air-guitar ♫

901
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,880
I don't even need words,
I could just use vowels.

902
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,000
'O' is a great vowel for guitar songs.

903
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,760
♫ Oooooo! ♫

904
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:33,840
♫ Oooooo! ♫

905
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,160
♫ O! ♫

906
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:37,400
♫ O! ♫

907
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:38,640
♫ A-I-O-U! ♫

908
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:46,600
♫ But I love you. ♫

909
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:49,840
No I don't.
That's the lyrics.

910
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:51,960
Please don't.

911
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,000
I'm sorry, it's fine because the guitar
does that to you, you believe...

912
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,640
You believe.

913
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,680
How many of you guys
can play the guitar?

914
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:01,440
How many of you guys
can play the guitar?

915
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,040
Yeah?

916
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:05,520
How many guys can't play the guitar?
Give me a cheer.

917
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,280
You guys are going
to be super impressed.

918
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:13,400
You'll be like, "How is he
touching and sound is coming? How?"

919
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:14,400
It's magic.

920
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:17,320
It's magic.

921
00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:21,840
I have a request for the few people
who play guitar, just one request.

922
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:23,160
Can you guys be sad?

923
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:25,880
It's a layered instrument.

924
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,400
Please, have you
seen happy guitarists?

925
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:28,600
You know how annoying they are?

926
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:29,800
Have you seen them?

927
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:34,520
Please don't do that.
It's damn annoying.

928
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:37,440
Super annoying.

929
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:38,880
Why are you so happy?

930
00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:42,720
Everyone is giving you
attention already, right?

931
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:44,920
The only reason you should
be happy is when you are playing tabla

932
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,520
because your life is screwed anyway.

933
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:47,720
"Tagda doom.

934
00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:50,080
I'm never going to get laid.

935
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:51,360
Diga doom doom.

936
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,920
Eight years I took to learn this shit.

937
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:55,080
Diga doom.

938
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:57,280
Come do a musical face off,
no one will touch me anyway.

939
00:42:57,720 --> 00:42:59,000
Diga doom doom doom."

940
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:00,680
It is so sad.

941
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,520
They make them play
on the floor, dude.

942
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:06,840
At least bro, give us something.

943
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,600
"Yeah here is one bed sheet, chill."

944
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:10,360
One cushion?

945
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,080
"Yeah yeah. One cushion for the tabla,
not for you."

946
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:16,800
You have a guitar, it's just like...

947
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:17,840
It's awesome.

948
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:20,160
The next thing I'm going to do,

949
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:22,960
I'm going to make an
indie love song for you guys.

950
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:24,880
Because that's the ultimate.

951
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:26,920
No one can escape that.

952
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:29,200
Men, women, small puppies.

953
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:31,720
Oh, they die literally.

954
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:33,920
Sing a love song to a puppy,
they will explode.

955
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:36,360
Two things which are incredible, meet.

956
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:37,760
I'll stop now.

957
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:39,200
So basically,

958
00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:42,600
an indie love song is in right now.

959
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:45,520
Indie is independent music, anything
that is not mainstream is indie.

960
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:46,880
Yeah?

961
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,360
Independent, mainstream?

962
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,240
It's damn convenient for independent
musicians, they're like...

963
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:51,920
They hit a drum and they're like,
"It's art.

964
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:54,960
Oh, you don't like it?
That means you like mainstream?

965
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:57,520
That means you're
a horrible person, bro."

966
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:58,680
It's damn convenient.

967
00:43:58,720 --> 00:43:59,600
It's damn convenient.

968
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:02,080
So I am going to make an indie
love song but you need two things.

969
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:03,840
You need to be poetically negative

970
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:05,840
and you have to be abstract.

971
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:11,160
Poetically negative is when
you just make happy things sad.

972
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:12,840
"Hey Kenny, you want to go for lunch?"

973
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,480
"You know there is emptiness, right?"

974
00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:18,080
"Bro, I just asked for lunch, bro."

975
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,880
"Hey Kenny, look at this puppy.
It's so cute, no? It's happy."

976
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:23,960
"Does it know that life
will come to an eventual end?"

977
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:27,720
"It's just a puppy, dude."

978
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:30,360
That's how you become negatively...

979
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:31,760
poetically negative.

980
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:32,720
It's a tough word.

981
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:34,520
Next you have to be abstract.

982
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:37,840
How to be abstract, you just talk
about stuff that no one has any idea.

983
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:40,080
I am listening but I have no idea
what he is talking about.

984
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:41,040
But it's great.

985
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,120
Even the musician has no
idea what he is talking about.

986
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:45,840
So I am going to make a love song,
can't be conventional.

987
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:47,840
It can't be about a boy or a girl.

988
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:49,640
It's going to be about...

989
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,360
This water bottle.

990
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:56,480
Did you even notice this water bottle?

991
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:58,360
Don't lie.

992
00:44:58,400 --> 00:44:59,920
You were looking at me, you selfish.

993
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:03,040
This is serving me, hydrating me.

994
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:05,400
Did anyone say thank you to it?
No.

995
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:08,200
Your friends ask for water,
you put it in their mouth.

996
00:45:08,720 --> 00:45:10,560
Seven other people ask,
seven mouths it goes into.

997
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:11,600
Did you ask for consent?

998
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:13,720
Did you ask for consent?
No.

999
00:45:14,720 --> 00:45:15,800
No one gives a shit.

1000
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:17,040
It serves you.

1001
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,760
After you're done with it, after it
provides you with life nourishing water...

1002
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:21,520
What do you do?
You throw it on the ground.

1003
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:23,160
And kids come and
they're crushing it like,

1004
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:24,120
"Yaay!

1005
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:26,160
I love the crushing sound."

1006
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:28,080
It's the sound of it dying, bro!

1007
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:30,480
I am sorry, I get very emotional.

1008
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:33,560
This song is for the water bottle,
the ultimate nice guy.

1009
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:34,920
[Audience member] Woah!

1010
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:36,960
Yeah, it's all connected man.

1011
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,520
The universe.

1012
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,280
You, plants,
spinal cord, have you seen that shit?

1013
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:42,840
It's crazy.

1014
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,800
So this love song
is for the water bottle.

1015
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:50,360
So can we all clap like
we're in a concert, yeah?

1016
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:51,520
Let's do this.

1017
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,160
But let's be sad also.

1018
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:04,600
♫ I am sitting on a train ♫

1019
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:07,400
Because trains are sad.

1020
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:10,600
They are because they take
a long time to reach anywhere.

1021
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:12,600
You can carry anything,
they don't care.

1022
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:13,520
"Sir, it's a nuclear bomb."

1023
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:14,880
"Can you please hurry up?
There is a line behind."

1024
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:16,760
Sorry.

1025
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,240
In a plane, "Sir, it's a power bank."

1026
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:19,360
"He is a terrorist, arrest him."

1027
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,000
Trains are like, "Sir, your nuclear
warhead is hitting my leg from that time.

1028
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,920
Can you move it?
Who uses uranium nowadays."

1029
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:31,600
♫ I am sitting on a train ♫

1030
00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:36,560
♫ While I am sitting on a train ♫

1031
00:46:37,400 --> 00:46:39,440
♫ I look out the window ♫

1032
00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:40,520
Windows are also sad.

1033
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:43,440
Nothing good happens
when you sit next to a window.

1034
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:45,040
The love of your life leaves you.

1035
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:47,520
Your parents come back home early.

1036
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,080
"Seema, get out. My parents are here."

1037
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:52,240
Not my maid.

1038
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,240
♫ I'm sitting on a train ♫

1039
00:46:57,480 --> 00:46:59,400
♫ I am sitting on a train ♫

1040
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:02,320
♫ I look out the window ♫

1041
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:04,560
♫ The trees look sad... ♫

1042
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:05,800
Global warming.

1043
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:09,240
♫ The clouds are albino ♫

1044
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:17,000
♫ Don't you know how I long for you ♫

1045
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:22,160
♫ The humidity is easily 32 ♫

1046
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:28,080
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫

1047
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:33,280
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫

1048
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:38,120
♫ H2O in a plastic bottle ♫

1049
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,440
♫ There is happiness ♫

1050
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:42,600
♫ There is sorrow ♫

1051
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:45,640
♫ I look at you ♫

1052
00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:48,720
♫ You look at me with elation ♫

1053
00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:50,680
♫ I think you're crying ♫

1054
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:55,080
♫ Or maybe it's just condensation ♫

1055
00:47:55,720 --> 00:47:59,720
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫

1056
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:03,800
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫

1057
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:05,080
Want to make it more indie?

1058
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:06,240
Yeah?

1059
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:09,440
Guys, let's put an alaap in this shit.

1060
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:12,400
Yeah, you gotta put an alaap, bro.

1061
00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:14,080
Because most independent
bands don't sound Indian.

1062
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:15,160
"Hey, it's an American band."

1063
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:15,920
"No, it's Indian."

1064
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:17,880
So you got to put an alaap in this.

1065
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:19,360
There is reservation here also.

1066
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:21,320
Just put an alaap.

1067
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:22,640
Just ask your watchman to do it.

1068
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:27,360
♫ Aaaaaa ♫

1069
00:48:27,840 --> 00:48:30,640
♫ Aaaaaa ♫

1070
00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:36,840
♫ Night... ♫

1071
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:41,800
♫ Morning... ♫

1072
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:46,920
♫ Evening... ♫

1073
00:48:50,240 --> 00:48:54,400
♫ Early Afternoon... ♫

1074
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:57,120
Do you want to make it more indie?

1075
00:48:58,720 --> 00:49:00,800
I need audience participation
up in this shit.

1076
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:05,040
You guys are an awesome audience,
even you guys.

1077
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:06,680
Everybody.

1078
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:08,920
I need you guys because indie
musicians, they don't have money,

1079
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:09,920
they have audience.

1080
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:11,760
So in every...

1081
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:13,880
In every...

1082
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:15,320
In every...

1083
00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:17,880
This is a joke, I like them.

1084
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:18,640
They're sweet.

1085
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,280
You need audience participation.

1086
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:24,040
Every music concert,
there will be this one part

1087
00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:24,960
where the band is going to be like,

1088
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,520
"Okay guys, for this next song,
we need the audience.

1089
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:30,600
Come on, let's participate. Come on.

1090
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:32,240
I'll give you a patronising countdown.

1091
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:34,480
One, two, three and random syllables.

1092
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:37,360
O-O-O-O! We don't trust you."

1093
00:49:40,760 --> 00:49:43,040
No,
I will try to do something better.

1094
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:45,160
I'll give you a word,
I'll give you 'hey'.

1095
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:47,680
It's a big responsibility, I know.

1096
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,680
I will say one, two,
three but I am not patronising you.

1097
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:53,960
Sometimes the audience
is little too confident.

1098
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:55,720
I'm like, one, two, three...

1099
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:57,640
"Hey bro, we got it.

1100
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,000
We're chill kinda crowd, bro.
Chill kinda crowd."

1101
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:04,280
I know you guys can do it.

1102
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:06,200
We'll do it together,
you have to say 'hey'.

1103
00:50:06,240 --> 00:50:07,240
At the count of three.

1104
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:09,080
One, two, three.

1105
00:50:09,120 --> 00:50:10,040
Hey!

1106
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:12,680
Hey!

1107
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:15,040
Hey!

1108
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:17,600
[Audience] Hey!

1109
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:20,200
[Audience] Hey!

1110
00:50:21,720 --> 00:50:22,680
[Audience] Hey!

1111
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:25,520
[Audience] Hey!

1112
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,280
You guys are good.

1113
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:30,160
You guys are good, yeah.

1114
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:31,880
Guys, do you want to make it more indie?

1115
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:35,120
I don't think you can handle it.

1116
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:37,880
It's the ultimate hipster level.

1117
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:39,520
There's no coming back.

1118
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,720
This part is where you
take a famous speech from history

1119
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,600
and you put a radio filter on it.

1120
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,120
Because radio filters
make everything awesome.

1121
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,520
The speech from history
has nothing to do with the song.

1122
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:52,760
It's just cool.

1123
00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:55,120
Take a famous speech,
but you guys have to still say 'hey'.

1124
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:57,480
I'll do the speech, you guys do 'hey'.

1125
00:50:57,520 --> 00:50:58,640
Can we do this together?

1126
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:01,000
As one family, that never meets.
Yeah?

1127
00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:04,160
Okay, one, two, three.

1128
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:05,080
Hey!

1129
00:51:06,720 --> 00:51:07,480
[Audience] Hey!

1130
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:10,080
[Audience] Hey!

1131
00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:12,640
[Audience] Hey!

1132
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:14,520
[Audience] Hey!

1133
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:15,800
At the midnight hour

1134
00:51:16,120 --> 00:51:17,680
As the world sleeps

1135
00:51:17,720 --> 00:51:20,800
India will awaken, awaken, awaken...

1136
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:27,280
Then you take away everything
and you bring back the sadness.

1137
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,400
♫ I am sitting on a train ♫

1138
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:35,720
♫ I look out the window ♫

1139
00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:38,400
True indie songs,
they stop mid-sentence.

1140
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:41,400
♫ The trees look sad ♫

1141
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:43,640
♫ The cloud- ♫

1142
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,480
Thank you so much,
I am Kenny Sebastian.

1143
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:54,000
You've been a lovely audience.

1144
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:55,640
I am done for tonight.
Thank you.

1145
00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:16,040
Thank you guys.
Thank you so much.

1146
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:17,360
It means a lot to me.

1147
00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:19,480
Because the last
audience didn't stand up.